The Secret to Happiness – Getting What You Need

Do you ever wake up on perfectly good day, to a completely normal life and wonder why you are not happy? Is there something wrong with you, that what you have is just not enough?

It was Tony Robbins who identified the 6 Human Needs as being essential for anyone to feel content with their lives. If any of these needs are not being met, then you are likely to find yourself anywhere on a range of feeling a bit blue to wallowing in bed at every opportunity, depending on just how bad it is.

So what are these needs?

1) Certainty/Security/Comfort: Knowing exactly what is going to happen, how it is going to happen and when it is going to happen. There is a sense of comfort in knowing how things are going to be. On the other hand, too much of this and you start to get bored. This brings us to the next need:
2) Uncertainty/Challenge/Variety: Having something out of the ordinary happen, or trying something new for the first time. Variety is the spice of life and it keeps us in anticipation that maybe today is going to bring something wonderful. Too much of this can leave you completely overwhelmed.
3) Significance/Importance: We all need to know that we are special in some way, that you as an individual are unique and have something distinctly you to give to this world. However, as we hear celebrities constantly complain, being too important, can leave you feeling isolated from the people around you, feeling misunderstood.
4) Love and Connection: Emotional connection or love is what makes us human. We need to know that there is someone out there who is in our corner rooting for us. But, too much connection can lead to unhealthy dependence.
5) Personal Growth: This is a higher need that only develops wants the first 4 needs are met. When your basic needs have been satisfied, you will start to feel the need to grow as a person, challenge yourself to higher levels.
6) Contribution: Giving of yourself to others, can be one of the most satisfying things to do. Another higher need, this becomes strongest when your 4 basic needs are met and you feel intensely grateful for what you have. Your awareness moves past yourself to the world around you and you want to help meet others needs.

These needs are so strong, that in order to have them met, you will do ANYTHING. People will even act outside of their value or belief structure if any of these needs are not being satisfied sufficiently.

How Do You Get Happy?

Identify the area in your life that is causing you the greatest upset: work, family, finances, relationships, health.
Look at how each of these needs are being met.
Where your needs are not being sufficiently met, think of resources that you have to meet these needs.
Make time to take the necessary action to ensure that your needs are met.
Keep repeating every time you start to feel dissatisfied with your life.

Remember that you are in control of your own happiness. Take action today, and be a happier person tomorrow.

Is your glass half full or half empty, or do you need to change the glass?

1. Whether you see your glass as half full or half empty is the traditional test to determine whether you are an optimist or a pessimist. I always like to think of myself as a pragmatist: the glass is the wrong size, so get a different glass.
   
   But how does this apply to our lives?
   
   I see the contents of the glass as the contents of my life and the glass as the context that I rate those contents.
   
   So in the glass half full life: I have a bigger house than I had 10 years ago. I have more time to myself, my family relationships are better, I have a career that I love, I have an income that meets all my needs and there is left over for luxuries.
   
   In a glass half empty life: I don’t have my dream car, I don’t have my dream house, I can’t afford to go away on holiday whenever I want, running my own business means I have to deal with admin that I hate, my family lives too far away to make visiting convenient.
   
   So how can you change the size of the glass?
   
   Pretend for a minute that you are a billionaire.
   Imagine that you spent a year buying everything that you think you would want, new cars, new clothes, property, doing all the things that you’ve always wanted do, but didn’t have the money for.
   NOW, write down an ordinary day in your diary, starting from when you got up in the morning until you went to bed.
   
   How much of this are you doing already?
   How much of this could you be doing without being a billionaire?
   How much of your life are you putting on hold because you think you need something more to get the enjoyment out of it, when really you just need to do it?
   
   So go out there and start living your billionaire’s life. Start appreciating all the things that money really cannot buy. Be happy!

Are you a Tigger or an Eeyore?

This question was first asked by Randy Pausch. Diagnosed with an incurable form of pancreatic cancer he gave a final lecture to his students and wanted to pass on some of his life lessons.

I had a good think about it the other day. After all, Tigger is very popular, he has his own movie, theme song and is friends with everybody in the 100 Acre Wood (I’ve been a Pooh fan since I was little).

But just what is it that makes Tigger so popular?

Tigger’s theme song says it all:

The wonderful thing about Tiggers,
is Tiggers are wonderful things.

Then comes a long list of his accomplishments and finishes off with:

But the most wonderful thing about Tiggers is,
I'm the only one.
Oh, I’m the only one!

And of course, Tiggers are fun. Poor Eeyore on the other hand, is just that: poor in spirit. He really feels hard done by the world and no matter the situation, he can find the worst possible spin on it. Everything that happens is just to prove how bad life treats him. Quite frankly, I’m surprised that he has any friends in the 100 Acre Wood (maybe because this fiction after all), because I know a few people like Eeyore and don’t like to spend very much time with them. Mainly, because I can be having a perfectly normal day, and within two or three sentences they can bring me down and start me questioning why I haven’t slit my wrists yet. A world full of Eeyores is a bleak and dark place.

Imagine a world full of Tiggers. It could get a bit much after a while. All that bouncy-bouncy and fun, fun, fun!!!! BUT look at how Tigger feels about himself. He has a theme song that only highlights his good parts. There is nothing in there about how he gets lost, occasionally annoys his friends, talks with a funny accent, doesn’t know who his family is. What if we all felt that way about ourselves. WE ARE WONDERFUL because we are who we are. We are unique and there is nobody else like us. It wouldn’t matter if other people found you slightly annoying, or could only handle you in small doses.

So, do you love yourself because you are different? Do you love every part of yourself and accept yourself as you are? A wonderful, unique YOU.

Active Acceptance – The Key to Letting Go and Getting Unstuck

Most people think of acceptance as a passive state of mind. ‘You can’t do anything about it, just accept it.’ You would think in our world of instant gratification and super-fast results, acceptance would seem like an easy option, the path of least resistance. If that were so, I’m sure a lot more people would be doing it. But, acceptance is a pretty active state of mind when done properly and not at all easy.

The opposite of acceptance is denial, which let’s face it, is also a pretty active state to be in. Have you ever noticed how hard people work at being in denial? No matter how hard you try to point out to them the reality of the situation, they can come up with at least fifty reasons why it isn’t so. So if denial is such hard work, why would someone spend so much energy trying to avoid reality? Probably because a reality created in denial, is usually a reality where no action is necessary. Think about that for a minute. How often will someone create a false reality where it is their entire fault and they are the only one who has to do all the work to fix it?

The most fascinating thing to me is that usually, that person has decided that they are accepting the situation. ‘My boss just doesn’t like me, that’s why I’ll never get a promotion. There’s nothing I can do about it, I’ll just have to accept it.’

Active acceptance is about examining your beliefs around the situation, questioning each of those statements to test for the truth of the situation. Maybe your boss doesn’t like you, but is that the real reason why you haven’t got the promotion? If not, then accept that more work needs to be done, or new skills need to be developed. Maybe it is true that your boss didn’t promote you because she doesn’t like you, but does that mean that there is nothing you can do about it? Go see your HR department, or find a new job; maybe you could transfer to another department.

The interesting thing about acceptance is that it usually leads to action. The moment we can see a situation clearly, and accept it the way it is, is the moment that we can see with clarity what needs to be done to get out of the situation.

But why is acceptance necessary for us to be able to let go?

Well the usual reason for denying the reality of a situation, is because we want it to be different from the way it is. That sounds pretty obvious, doesn’t it? But that denial acts as an anchor. Think about a ship in the harbour. The anchor is what keeps it from moving forward, keeps it stuck in one place. Even though the anchor is below the surface and you can’t see it, it is still there doing its job. Denial is exactly the same. It sits in our subconscious, keeping us stuck in the idea that it is the situation around us that needs to change, rather than that we need to take action to change the situation around us. Until we accept reality and let go of wanting things to be different, we can never start moving forward.

The big question of course is: How do I know whether I am in denial or whether I have accepted the reality of a situation without wanting to make a change? I think the big test comes from the answer to the two questions: Do I feel stuck? And do I feel at peace?

If you are feeling stuck, there is a good chance that you are avoiding acceptance and need to start actively examining your beliefs about the situation. Ask yourself what is holding you back, what is keeping you stuck? Then start from there to work through what is the reality of the situation that you are not accepting. If you are not at peace, then there is an indication that emotionally you still want things to be different. Ask yourself what is disturbing you, what is ‘not fair’? That is another starting point to work through where you are actively avoiding acceptance.

At the end of the day, acceptance is about hard work. It is not about sitting back and passively ignoring whatever situation you are in – that is called denial. You are always making a choice, whether you realise it or not. So make the choice to get unstuck, look at where active acceptance can improve your life and start a better life today.